Recipe No. 2 Stop hurting your own feelings
Dear Give Me Dates Fam,
When I was younger, your girl found herself caught in more situationships than actual relationships. I’d get lost in a fantasy, believing love had to be tumultuous and intense. But now, I know love is gentle.
If you’re finding it hard to fully lean into your current relationship because you’re still bound to the past, trust me, you’re not alone. We all carry the weight of past relationships, and it can be heartbreaking to reflect on how we allowed ourselves to be devalued. It’s even more of a wtf to realize how those experiences can dull love’s vibrancy in the present. No one tells you about the grief of discovering you didn’t know how to love yourself properly.
Even now, I mourn the times my inner saboteur stomped all over mi corazoncito. But with time, self-awareness, and a lot of internal work, Ive learned to let love flourish. Let me tell you, a grown folks relationship just hits different!
Before you spend too much energy defending or gate keeping your heart, here’s my advice:be fully transparent with yourself about who you were when you chose people who treated you like a maybe.
When those invalidating thoughts start creeping in, remind yourself of your inner authority - the power you have to care for and prioritize yourself.And remember, your partner isn’t responsible for your triggers.While we’re not accountable for others’ actions, we are responsible for our healing. Our loves ones can only do so much to ease our insecurities and self-doubt; its up to us to quiet the nose of our past and build our confidence.Accept that there can only be one baddie in the relationship you have with yourself, and it sure as hell will not be Little Miss Saboteur, you feel me.
“But, Jenny, how do I do that?” With a lot of patience and practice. Many will tell you the first step is self-love. Now, here’s the thing (and there’s always a thing)…while self-love is crucial, we often learn to love ourselves best in relation to others. Make room for discovery, refection, and understanding your emotions. Progress is when you can see the pain but aren’t paralyzed by it.
Here’s something I find trippy: even the healthiest relationships can trigger you. Our brains are wired for repetition, influencing how we create narratives and beliefs - but the good news is we can rewire our thinking.
Next time you need a vibe check, gently remind yourself to chill the F out. Conduct a little self-study, stay open to growth, and figure out what you need to learn. when doubt creeps in, dust yourself off and try again * Aaliyah voice. Find your fighting spirit and push back against those insecurities.
Be sweet to yourself and celebrate each time you remove your security blanket: choosing a partner who is showing you what secure love looks like.If you’ve been in relationships that left you feeling unsafe, choosing someone who behaves differently - even wonderfully- can be challenging. Savor the moments when you consciously choose a healthy partnership.
Bet on yourself. Even if you’re not quite there yet, it feels amazing to be on the journey. Reconnecting with your intuition and heart takes time, but every step forward is worth it. Joyfully onward, beautiful ones.
Biggest hugs,
Jenny